Folks this is me and my Dad last year at my 50th Birthday celebration. At this time he had been battling Lung Cancer for 2+ years. This was definately one of his better days. Two days ago we had Hospice started for him. I can't tell you what I am feeling.....angry, sad and feeling powerless to make things be different for Dad. If you have ever gone through this you know exactly what I am talking about.
This is the way I want to remember my Dad not the man I saw today....still able to be at his home. Angry, short-tempered and impatient. While my Dad had all those qualities while I was growing up they are magnified because of his disease and the shutting down of his body. Today was the day the equipment showed up....the hospital bed (probably the one he will die in), a bedside commode, oxygen tank and a wheelchair. Along with a bunch of medications for pain, anxiety and sleep. It was so much to take in, I knew I had to be strong to help Mom.
The Nurse today gave us all the information about which drugs to start having him take, she told us about how bad it will get before he passes....no sugar coating.....I guess that is what we need to hear. She also said based on his statistics, it may not be too long before he passes. I still like to think no matter what anyone says, I think God knows when and how he will go.....my faith tells me to rely on him.
So, I cry in private now....in the shower, in bed before I fall asleep, here at the computer telling you my story.....I can't seem to stop once I get started. This is Dad's choice not to fight the disease anymore. I don't blame him....he's my Dad and I love him. No matter what he did or didn't do, he will always be the greatest man I have ever known.
I love you Daddy...I will miss you but, will never forget you!!
Thanks friends for letting me get this out in the open, cry on your shoulder....don't know what the next few weeks or months may be like for posting so I will hopefully post once in awhile to de-stress. I guess it is a good thing that I do not have a job right now, huh?
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