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Folks this is me and my Dad last year at my 50th Birthday celebration. At this time he had been battling Lung Cancer for 2+ years. This was definately one of his better days. Two days ago we had Hospice started for him. I can't tell you what I am feeling.....angry, sad and feeling powerless to make things be different for Dad. If you have ever gone through this you know exactly what I am talking about.This is the way I want to remember my Dad not the man I saw today....still able to be at his home. Angry, short-tempered and impatient. While my Dad had all those qualities while I was growing up they are magnified because of his disease and the shutting down of his body. Today was the day the equipment showed up....the hospital bed (probably the one he will die in), a bedside commode, oxygen tank and a wheelchair. Along with a bunch of medications for pain, anxiety and sleep. It was so much to take in, I knew I had to be strong to help Mom.
The Nurse today gave us all the information about which drugs to start having him take, she told us about how bad it will get before he passes....no sugar coating.....I guess that is what we need to hear. She also said based on his statistics, it may not be too long before he passes. I still like to think no matter what anyone says, I think God knows when and how he will go.....my faith tells me to rely on him.
So, I cry in private now....in the shower, in bed before I fall asleep, here at the computer telling you my story.....I can't seem to stop once I get started. This is Dad's choice not to fight the disease anymore. I don't blame him....he's my Dad and I love him. No matter what he did or didn't do, he will always be the greatest man I have ever known.
I love you Daddy...I will miss you but, will never forget you!!
Cindy
Thanks friends for letting me get this out in the open, cry on your shoulder....don't know what the next few weeks or months may be like for posting so I will hopefully post once in awhile to de-stress. I guess it is a good thing that I do not have a job right now, huh?
Unfortunately I know exactly how you are feeling. I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer almost 12 yrs this summer. Every time I hear a story like yours it brings it all back again.I sit here searching for the right words to help you, but all I can say is take comfort in your faith in knowing he will be in a better place, with no more suffering or sickness. Rely on your family and friends for comfort and to get you through this. It has been 12 years but it is always there in my mind along with all the love and wonderful times I had with her. Be strong and your love and faith will see you through. My sincere apology for your lost.
ReplyDeleteI am sending all my thoughts, hugs and love your way. Vent all you need to.
ReplyDeleteCindy, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my mom 3 years ago to lung cancer and I know what a tough road it is. Unfortunetly I lost my dad 6 months after that to a motorcycle accident. I don't know if it ever really gets easier you just learn how to deal with the feelings. I pray that you have a strong family and friends to help you through this. I will say a special prayer for your dad. Cherish every minute you have with him and never let go of the Lord, he will see you through this. I am so sorry. Steph
ReplyDeleteCindy, my prayers are with you and your family!! This has to be VERY hard to go through and God is watching over him.. I'm with you... only GOD knows when his final hour is here! God will give him a peaceful place in heaven!! Keep your heart open and family close by... I don't mind listening when you need to talk!! Smiles... Michelle :)
ReplyDeleteCindy,
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing! Times like this are hard to go through. It's hard for many of us to be able to come up with the right words to say. Its hard to understand what a family goes through. I know praying helps, so I will do that, pray the Lord watches over you and your family during this time!
God Bless you and your father and your family!
Such great memories of a wonderful man, and an exceptional father,these are the joys you will remember. I know that the years are never enough, for us as humans, but you will be together again. You are in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteDee